Shorebreak - 21104.01

By Julia Nielson

The clear liquid in the glass before her looked as innocent as water. It would be so easy to down its contents like h2o, letting it relax her and chase her troubles away.

"Does it work as well when you stare at it?" A soft voice asked, calling Julia's eyes away from the tempting brew before her. Standing next to her table in the bar looking back at her was her best friend - someone she didn't expect to see in this corner of space - Jaden Hawk. Except rather than the self-assured smile he typically wore, his expression read nothing but concern.

"Jaden…?" Confused, Julia sat up straighter in her chair. "What are you..?"

"Doing here?" Jaden finished for her, pulling out one of the table's chairs and plunking down next to her. "Your worried husband asked me to come. What's up?"

"Nothing…" The non-committal shrug she gave didn't seem to convince him.

"Don’t give me that bullshit. You're not the type to ignore Vladimir for two weeks, nor are you the type to mope in a bar," Jaden eyed the glass on the table, "Let alone mope in a bar with a glass of booze. So out with it."

Julia went back to staring at the vodka.

"It's nothing that should be bothering me this much," She hesitated. It took Jules a moment to realize if Vlad had sent for Jaden, she really was in a bad way.

"I've ignored my mother for twenty some years, and after so long she's finally gone. Passed away in her sleep," Julia didn't flinch at that, didn't feel the pain she probably should have at losing her mother, "For so long I've heard that awful voice of hers in my head, nagging me, beating me down. It was like this low buzz in your ear that you just can't shake…..

….The only way I could get her words out of my head was to hit the waves. The roar of the ocean rumbling through my bones was the only sound I could hear. I can still remember the day like it was yesterday.

Despite the chill of the barely-above-0-celcius air, I had to get on the water. It was a reckless escape: the sea was the only thing that would melt my anger, the only thing that would drown out her voice long enough for me to relax.

It had been the first day of my senior year in high school. I'd discovered that my class schedule had been completely changed from what I'd requested the previous spring. It didn't contain my backups, or even the backups of my backups. Here I'd thought I would be starting the fall with a well-rounded schedule: some Terran literature, advance placement physics, intro calculus, phys ed. What I got was not rounded at all, not even curved! My year would be totally devoted to music.

In a panic I'd contacted the school's administration. Apparently my mother had dropped off this new schedule right before the last minute deadline, claiming I'd changed my mind.

Instead of being stuck with her schedule, I dropped all my classes. The secretary managed to get me into the physics class, but now I was wait-listed for the rest. I just had to hope that somebody else dropped classes I wanted. Spending an hour in the freezing surf had done nothing to quell the anger. As I came up the steps to Dad's house I could see him sitting in a deck chair, wrapped in a warm fleece blanket and a mug of something hot in his hands. I smiled at him as my teeth chattered in the cold; it was nice to have a parent who was actually concerned for my well-being.

Replacing my surfboard on the stand, I couldn't help but mentally cringe at myself. Here I was worrying my Dad while I did something asinine, just to forget about my mother. Even now as I thought of her, I could see that conceited smile on her face when I'd slapped my schedule down in front of her hours before.

"You'll be more successful this way, only focusing on one area… You don't need to know about some authors who lived hundreds of years ago to have a good life." Her voice was like the plague in my brain, and I forced my eyes closed as I tried to bring back the roar of the waves.

A soft towel wrapped around my shoulders, and I looked back to see Dad draping the warmest one we owned around me.

"Feeling better?" The concern in his voice broke my heart sometimes, because I knew surfing in freezing temperatures wasn't a bright idea. If I'd caught hypothermia…

"Only marginally," I said as I lead the way back into the house. I needed a warm shower and a hot drink; my whole body was shaking from the cold now.

"Juliebean.." Dad said, making me stop in the threshold to look back at him. He suddenly looked like he'd aged ten years in the span of two minutes. "You need to do what makes you happy. Don't let your Mom get you down like this…"

I thought about those words for a moment. "Can I switch schools?"

"Is that what you really want?" He asked me in reply, making me think again. No, that's not what I wanted. All my friends were at my school. I only had this one year left.

"Not really."

"Then you need to be strong for the things you really want."

I thought about what he said as I warmed myself up by the fireplace. I thought about it the whole night. His words were warring with my mother's telling me that I would never be good enough to be an engineer. That it was a pointless career move that didn't go anywhere. Star Fleet was a waste of my time and my few talents.

Needless to say I didn't sleep that night.

My mother's words got so loud in my head that at about three in the morning I'd started crying. I muffled the sound with my pillow so I wouldn't wake my father or my brother Eddie.

By morning I surprised myself. I went to school. I spoke to the academic counselor and proved to myself that I wasn't a failure like my mother said. I met all the requirements, it was just a matter of being accepted into the applicant pool to take the entrance exams. I changed all those dropped classes into study halls until the classes I wanted opened up. I would spend that time pouring through all the prep materials the counselor could supply me with.

I was going to take the Star Fleet entrance exam and prove my mother wrong. I would get into Star Fleet.

As I walked back to my mother's house afterwards, each step gave me more courage to face her.

I wasn't going to let that voice in my head stop me.

"Where have you been!?" Mother squawked furiously as I entered the house. It was just as high strung as it was in my head.

"I was at school," I replied calmly, taking a direct pathway to my room.

"Young lady! Don't you dare give me that attitude!" Mother barged into the room behind me, arms crossed, trying to intimidate me the best she could. If hollering could be measured on the Fujita tornado scale, this would be an F5. I wasn't having any of it.

"Somebody told me you applied to take the Star Fleet entrance exam," Her seething words didn't surprise me. I'd long ago learned that my mother had feelers out in unexpected places like school. "If you think for one moment you'll get in, let alone be allowed to take that test you have another thing coming. I forbid you to even study for it."

Turning to face her, I kept my tone soft. I wasn't about to give her the satisfaction of a screaming match.

"I only came back here to get my things," I had enough. I didn't need to hear her voice in my head and bellowing in my ears. "But clearly I'm not welcome in your house. I'm moving in permanently with Dad. Ethan can get my stuff later."

I marched right around her. I could already feel the weight off my shoulders, my own resolve fighting against her words. I could do this, and no matter how many put downs she shot at me I would fight back.

"Don’t you dare walk out that door!" She screamed behind me, grabbing my arm to hold me back. I shrugged out of her hold the way Eddie had taught me.

I turned to face her one last time. "You don't get a say anymore."

And like that I was gone. I could hear her yelling at me down the block as I walked away from the years of put-downs and abuse. The ghost of her in my head lasted longer, screaming the same things mother just had. That I wouldn't succeed without her. That I was nothing but worthless. That I couldn't do anything right, and never would.

But I just kept walking, putting one foot in front of the other. I was doing this, I was going down the path I wanted, and nothing my mother could say would stop me…

"What scares me the most, is that voice pushed me to be the woman I am now. It's what got me here, got me into Star Fleet. I spent every moment studying for the entrance exam, until I managed to get into the classes I wanted to take," Julia said softly; she was trembling now. Touching her cheeks as she looked up from the vodka, Julia felt disgusted with herself, "Shit. Now I'm crying for that witch."

Reaching across the table, Jaden put a reassuring hand on top of hers.

"You've lived with the stress of her for 35 years now… that stress has got to release itself somehow," He looked lost in thought for a moment, before finally glancing back up at her, "I think your looking at this all wrong.

"Yes, your mother has haunted you your whole life, pushing you. But your dad was there encouraging you to do what you wanted to do. You said so yourself: he told you to be strong for the things you really want. And you are, Julia. You're the strongest woman I know," Jaden gave her hand a squeeze, "You might not have heard his voice in your head, but you felt his words stronger than anything else.

"That is what made you the woman you are today."

A gentle smile filtered across her lips as she processed Jaden's words. She rethought through everything that had happened to her, all the times her mother had screamed at her. Jaden was right. Through it all her Dad had been there for her with his unconditional love. He'd been there to keep her strong, to keep her going through the hard times.

Now she cried because she wished she'd acknowledged that sooner.

"Thank you Jaden…" The emotions running through her were still raw, but Julia could finally see the light that she'd been chasing for so long. "That was what I needed to hear."

"Friend, brother, doctor, counselor," Jaden said as that cheeky grin returned to his face, "You got it all when you met me."

"Did I ever," Julia laughed for the first time since she'd heard news of her mother's passing.

"Now, there's somebody over there who looks like he's going to rip apart the bar if you don't start feeling better soon…" Jaden motioned to somewhere behind Jules. Turning to look she could see Vladimir sitting at a table by the door, watching them. The worry in his features was obvious to anyone, and he fidgeted with the menu on the table.

"Poor Vlad… putting up with me…" Jules felt miserable for how she'd been to her husband. Turning back to Jaden she asked, "Do you mind if…"

"Go to him, go go!" He urged her, giving her a shrug that he'd be fine by himself.

Standing, Julia placed a quick peck on his cheek in thanks, before dashing across the bar to Vladimir.

Jaden chuckled as he watched his friend go. It would still take her a while to undo the years of damage her mother had done, but he felt confident she was finally on the road to recovery. He was glad he could help her.

Seeing the vodka sitting on the table, still untouched, he picked it up and downed the glass in one gulp. It burned in a good way. Taking the glass with him he went to the bar and plunked himself down on a barstool, ordering another drink.

"You know," He said to the other patrons sitting at the bar, "Days like today can't help but make me remember this story about…"