Pulsar Mission 01: "One More Red Nightmare"

Mission Summary

Stardate 20910.03

Our first assignment aboard the Pulsar took us to Ecurai, Capital World of the Democratic Romulan Republic. The purpose of our mission was to finalize a treaty between the DRR and the Federation, a treaty designed to further isolate and weaken the Romulan Empire. Ambassador, and Federation Council Member, Sidic O'Hallihan was dispatched to oversee this endeavor.

Through a series of incidents which I have come to believe were perpetrated by the Tal'Shiar, Ambassador O'Hallihan was seriously injured and rendered incapable of completing the negotiations. Fortunately I was able to step in and complete the negotiations personally. Along with the Ambassador, my First Officer was seriously injured. Commander Fitchel's recovery will be slow, but I have been assured it will happen.

The DRR representative, Regent Fu'Ton, and I have signed the treaty for our respective governments and the Pulsar is not en-route to Starbase Alpha. Shortly after our departure from Ecurai, word reached us that the war with the RSE had ended. I can only hope our new alliance with the DRR was worth the pain and suffering of my crew.

I have just received word that my Chief Medical Officer, Lt. Commander Jaden Hawk, is being transferred to Space Station Sierra-18 to serve as First Officer. Jaden will be missed and I am, as yet, unsure how to fill the void his absence will leave in the senior staff.

My crew has performed exceptionally and I intend to grant them a well earned shore leave upon our return to Earth.

Logs

Below are the log entries for the mission, grouped by who wrote them and sorted by Stardate.

Captain's Logs

Admiral Wueste

Stardate 20904.29

The Dauntless returned to base and we were promptly ordered to offload. Shortly thereafter she was taken over to the San Francisco shipyard to receive the major repairs needed after our battle with the Klingons.

With our ship in the proverbial shop, I granted the crew shore leave. I spent the entirety of my "time off" in my Group Command office aboard SBA. I've never been good with down time and so it seemed work would be the best way to pass my days.

I did briefly consider visiting the house in Gettysburg, but there are still too many memories there... of my illness and of the life... the family... that Samantha and I had hoped to one day build.

With my recent relapse, it also made sense for me to stick near to proper and discrete medical facilities.

A week or so into shore leave I learned from Ken that the shipyard Engineers were refusing to give out a projection on Dauntless' return to functional status. When I confronted Jeff about it I learned the reason, my crew and I would not be returning to the Dauntless.

After what seemed an eternity of extended conversation, I was finally able to get an answer to the only question on my mind, why? We were being transferred to the USS Pulsar, the first battleship of her class, and the first vessel I ever served aboard as a Department Head.

The rumor mill had been saying for some time that she was being mothballed but, as it turned out, this was all part of an effort to refit and upgrade the ship in secret.

Jeff also informed me that once the Dauntless' repairs were complete, she would be turned over to Captain Mike Wong, Matt's First Officer from the Enterprise.

As an exciting an opportunity as this was, I must admit to having experienced some level of trepidation at the thought of Commanding a vessel easily twice the size of any I had ever commanded before, with a crew four times that of the Dauntless'. The Dauntless had also become my home, as the Getty's sister ship she was in many respects a reminder to me of happier times. I am sad to leave her.

After our experience at Adelphous though, I must also admit to being delighted at the chance to have a ship at my command which could easily stand up to twice the number of warships we faced there.

More than that though, the Pulsar was redesigned from the ground up to serve as the 1BG new Flagship. This grants me a new level of flexibility in my job as Group Commander and provides me with a Field Office from which I could coordinate the entire group's activity without having to return to SBA.

In many respects these modifications to the Pulsar were made to help assure the success of our first mission with her. We are tasked with transporting a Federation Ambassador to Ecurai, Capitol World of the Democratic Romulan Republic. There the Ambassador will work out the final details of a treaty between the UFP and DRR. If all goes to plan the Ambassador and the DRR government will sign that treaty and formalize our relationship with a key ally against the Romulan Star Empire.

There is no love lost between me and the Romulan people. I lost many friends during the last war, I've lost still more during this war. They conspired with Paul Vice to kidnap Sam and they nearly cost me my wife, my life, and my career in the process.

Still, I cannot ignore the historic opportunity here, nor the fact that these Romulans are not the same Romulans I have fought before, or fight now. It is my duty as a Star Fleet officer, my duty to the people of the Federation, to do everything in my power to make this mission a success. My personal feelings aside, we need this alliance. Our mission cannot fail, it mustn't fail.

To ensure the safety and security of this peace process, only a handful of individuals are even aware of what our mission is to be. I've been forced to keep our assignment secret from even my own crew.

That need for total secrecy will, in a small way, end very shortly. We've arrived at the rendezvous coordinates where we are set to pick up the Ambassador, already en-route, and take him the rest of the way to Ecurai. Once they are aboard I will order a total communications blackout and then, as soon as we are safely underway to Ecurai, I will inform the crew of our mission.

I have total confidence in their ability to handle the weight of this assignment, for perhaps the greatest chance for peace now rests in our hands.

Stardate 20905.01

Much to my surprise the Ambassador wasn't the only one waiting for us, four DRR Warbirds decloaked shortly after I signaled. Evidently the DRR is so concerned that these peace talks go well that they sent the warbirds, and their protective cloaking devices, to shield the Ambassador until our arrival.

Our status remains at condition green and now that Ambassador Sidic O'Hallihan has beamed aboard, the Pulsar stands ready to follow the DRR escort to Ecurai.

I have also ordered a personal communications blackout to prevent all but official transmissions from being made. The time for secrecy aboard the Pulsar may have passed, but it is still important we keep word of our mission from falling into RSE hands.

Ambassador O'Hallihan is in his quarters and will be joining me and my senior staff in the Observation Lounge in a few minutes. Until then I intend to bring my officers up to speed and prepare them for the Ambassador's briefing.

My crew has been patient long enough and I'm glad to finally be able to share with them the importance of our assignment.

Stardate 20906.11

The trip from the rendezvous point to Ecurai took less than 5 hours. I used that time to brief my crew on our mission and to better acquaint myself with Ambassador O'Hallihan. I was very impressed by him and I think, if he has the chance, he is our best hope for a peaceful treaty with the DRR.

The mission hasn't continued nearly so well as it began. Since arriving in Ecurai orbit one of the DRR warbirds exploded under mysterious circumstances. The initial reaction from the other warbirds was to assume Pulsar was responsible.

They briefly opened fire, but luckily I was able to talk our way out of the situation and damage was minor.

The Romulan Commander offered up repair crews and while my first choice wouldn't be to invite such a team aboard, in the interests of the treaty, I accepted. I have also allowed a Romulan Investigation team to come aboard, in the hopes they will clear Pulsar in this matter. Both teams are paired with my best officers to ensure no one attempts to take advantage of the situation for espionage.

Ambassador O'Hallihan, anxious to continue talks, and remain on schedule, requested he be taken to the planet surface.

As the transporters are currently being tested after the warbird explosion, Mr. Burrowes volunteered to take the Ambassador down via shuttlecraft.

I sent a security team and Commander Fitchel along as well.

Moments ago we lost contact with the shuttle when it, and the DRR fighters escorting it, were attacked.

We are attempting to recover the shuttle crew now and determine what happened.

Stardate 20909.10

With all contact lost with Ambassador O'Hallihan, Commander Fitchel, and the accompanying away team, I assumed direct authority over the diplomatic mission.

Leaving Commander Kayzon in Command, I beamed directly down to the pre-assigned Negotiation Chambers.

My mission was to ensure key sticking points in the treaty were ironed out and that the document was signed, by both sides.

Commander Kayzon was left with no easy job on the Pulsar, as I tasked him with solving the mystery of the exploding Warbird and, more important still, locating and rescuing O'Hallihan and Fitchel's team.

Working with the DRR representative, Regent Fu'Ton, treaty negotiations were concluded. The Regent and I signed the treaty and, in a sense, this meant the successful conclusion to our mission.

I must admit though, that the signing of this treaty brings me no great feelings of accomplishment. A Romulan by any other name... lord knows, they're all efficient enough killers.

I suppose, when you get right down to it, that I would have to be one hell of a bigot not to admit that the DRR representatives we have worked with have proven themselves to be honorable and decent individuals.

I do respect the sacrifices they have made and I do recognize the value of their fight against the RSE.

Their fight, in many respects, is our fight.

At this point it is important to recognize that, as expected, the RSE has attempted to thwart these negotiations at every turn.

I have no doubt they were the ones to shoot down our shuttle.

Not long after signing the treaty, there was an attack in the negotiation chamber. I also have no doubt the RSE was behind this attack. The Regent and I were injured and member of my security escort was killed.

Midshipman Cellawe distinguished himself in protecting us and I would like to note how impressed I have been with his performance.

We were, thankfully, able to return to the Pulsar. Ambassador O'Hallihan and the Away Team were also rescued. The Ambassador suffered life threatening injuries, but was resuscitated. Commander Fitchel's injuries are even more severe, though I believe he will live.

Dr. Hawk and his medical team have performed impressive work.

After a brief time in Sickbay, I headed to the bridge. Commander Kayzon has informed me that a sensor blip over Ecurai's polar region is likely a cloaked ship. It seems likely then that this is the RSE vessel behind these attacks.

Once we have captured that ship, I intend to take us home. The treaty is signed, our mission is over.

Now only a few loose ends remain.

Stardate 20910.01

We disabled the vessels cloak and, after determining it to be Romulan in origin, we trapped the ship in a tractor beam. Our hails went unanswered.

The vessel self-destructed shortly thereafter, leaving no wreckage to study, nor survivors to question.

The self destruct tactic, implemented through overload of their quantum singularity drive, is standard Tal'Shiar procedure when capture is imminent. The DRR representative agreed with my interpretation.

With our mission concluded all DRR personnel disembarked and I have put us on course for home. Ambassador O'Hallihan and Commander Fitchel are expected to make full recoveries. Ken's recovery will be slow and painful, but I have been assured it will happen.

Upon clearing the comm. blackout zone I learned that the war with the Romulans has ended. I have informed the crew and have just finished hosting a celebratory gathering in 10 Forward.

We are still several weeks from dock, but I trust the promise of some R&R will drive my crew the rest of the way.

I will finalize my report with Group Command upon arrival at Starbase. I'm sure Jeff will be interested in hearing the details and in passing the finalized treaty on to the Council. Despite the war's end, I don't dare risk transmitting such vital information via subspace.

Crew Logs

Commander Kenneth Fitchel

Stardate 20904.18

[Begin Recording]

First Officer’s Log Stardate 20904.18 Cdr Kenneth Fitchel, First Officer - USS Pulsar, BB-100

Following the completion of the repair and re-supply mission to the Adelphous IV listening post, the USS Dauntless returned to its home port of Starbase Alpha for much needed repairs and R&R for the crew. I especially looked forward to some much-needed downtime after the tense standoff involving both the Klingons and the Romulans. However, things did not go as planned as the simple act of a concerned Chief Engineer set in motion an improbable sequence of events.

Two days after our arrival, Lieutenant Commander Zor Kayzon, our Chief Engineer, approached me with a PADD detailing the status of the ongoing repairs to the ship and the lack of even a vague estimate of an expected completion date. He then went on to tell me that he contacted the Shipyard Commander and was less than satisfied with the answers he was given regarding when the Dauntless would return to service. I indicated that I would follow up with the Shipyard Commander myself. The results of my meeting were similar to those of Lieutenant Commander Kayzon – no concrete answers were forthcoming.

Furious from the encounter, I immediately sought out Rear Admiral Wueste in order to have him throw some weight around as 1st Battle Group Commander and get some answers. However, it soon became apparent that he knew just as little about what was going on as everyone else. The two of us were then summoned to a meeting with the 1st Battle Goup Chief of Operations, Vice Admiral Linden. It was then revealed to us what was in the works.

Vice Admiral Linden informed us that the Dauntless was temporarily being taken out of service while her repairs were underway and that her crew was being transferred to the new 1st Battle Group Flagship, the USS Pulsar, recently returned to service after undergoing an extensive refit.

And so I find myself dictating this log as the First Officer of the Pulsar – a much larger and more powerful vessel than the Dauntless. There is much to learn about my new home and I am excited about the opportunity to apply my command skill on a grander scale. However, my enthusiasm is tempered by the knowledge that two individuals, Chief Tactical Officer, Lieutenant Commander Josef Chandler, and Chief of Security, Lieutenant Commander Angino De Vincenzo will not be making the transition with the rest of us. Hopefully, their replacements, Lieutenant Commander Ethan Cole and Lieutenant Commander Elizabeth Ayers will be able to fill the leadership and experience void that has been left behind.

I am especially saddened by the departure of my longtime friend and comrade, Angino De Vincenzo. We have served together for many years – beginning on the Drake when he was an Ensign and I was still a green Midshipman in my first posting. Along the way, we fought and bled and developed a bond to last a lifetime. I salute you my friend and wish you well now that our life paths have diverged. We will reunite again someday down the line and drink once again to our friendship and good fortune.

Computer, please end recording and save log entry for later playback.

[End Recording and Save]

Stardate 20904.22

[Begin Recording]

First Officer’s Log Stardate 20904.22 Cdr Kenneth Fitchel, First Officer - USS Pulsar, BB-100

The last twelve hours or so have been a whirlwind of events – all of which have passed this weary body of mine in a frantic blur. Following the recall of the crew, a brief commissioning ceremony and fete was held in Ten Forward. It was there that I met our new Chief Tactical Officer, Lieutenant Commander Ethan Cole and his twin brother and our new Assistant Chief Tactical Officer, Lieutenant Sitar and made the effort to get to know them a little bit in a relaxed atmosphere.

I must confess that I was more than a little concerned with the prospect of having twins serving under my command once again. My experience with Natalie and Rachel Treborn has left me with a circumspect attitude in that regard. I was further concerned given that the pair are of mixed parentage, Vulcan and Human, and I wasn’t sure which aspect of that dual heritage each had chosen to embrace. After a bit of not so subtle trickery on my part, I managed to deduce that Lieutenant Commander Cole was the more Human one and that Lieutenant Sitar was the one who had chosen to embrace his Vulcan side.

Having resolved that issue, I am satisfied that they will perform their duties in an absolutely professional matter. I also expect that I will be relying heavily on their knowledge and expertise regarding the Pulsar as both served as part of the refit team when the ship was in dry dock.

After the ceremony, the ship underwent its final checks and launched at approximately 0100 hours on autopilot at high warp to an as of yet unknown rendezvous. After we were underway, I and the rest of the senior staff were summoned to a meeting where Admiral Wueste proceeded to tell us all little more than that the mission was secret and that more would be revealed at some future point. We were then dismissed and rather than remain on the Bridge with the rest of the Alpha shift, I opted to return here to my quarters and get some sleep.

I am tired and more than a little annoyed by these secret missions that we seem to always be tasked with. I hope that some answers are soon to be forthcoming.

Computer, please end recording and save log entry for later playback.

[End Recording and Save]

Stardate 20905.15

First Officer’s Log Stardate 20905.15 Cdr Kenneth Fitchel, First Officer - USS Pulsar

After several days of travel at high warp, the Pulsar has arrived at the secret rendezvous point where we have been met by a Federation transport and a quartet of warbirds belonging to the Romulan splinter group, the Democratic Romulan Republic. Following a tense, but short standoff, a single individual was beamed aboard and I along with the senior staff were summoned to the Observation Lounge for a meeting with Admiral Wueste and the new arrival.

At the meeting, we were introduced to Ambassador and Federation Council member, Sidic O’Hallihan. In what best can be described as a genial and down to earth manner, he then proceed to finally reveal what our task is to be. We are to show the flag on a diplomatic mission to Ecurai, the home planet of the DDR where the Ambassador is to finalize and sign a treaty forging a formal alliance between the Federation and the DDR.

Obviously, this mission is not without its dangers. The personal security of the Ambassador is of paramount importance along with the need to maintain secrecy throughout the final stages of the negotiation process lest the RSE find out and attempt to disrupt the proceedings. Arrangements to that end have been set into motion by Lieutenant Commander Ayers in whom I have great confidence in spite of the short period in which I have known her.

However, I wish that I could say that all of the senior staff was onboard regarding the need to see the mission through to a successful end. Admiral Wueste seemed dubious of the treaty process, but held his tongue for the most part. I am more concerned with the behavior of Lieutenant Hawk who became quite vocal in his distrust of Romulans after the Ambassador expressed his desire and belief that the treaty becomes a stepping-stone in the cause of Vulcan-Romulan reunification. I will have to speak to him in private at some point and explain that such outbursts are unacceptable in those situations. I will also emphasize that I expect his personal feelings not interfere with his duties as Chief Medical Officer.

Finally, I will add my own thoughts on this matter. I understand the prejudices of others since I am not without some of my own. Nevertheless, I feel that it is important to subsume these emotions as best as possible in order to carry out our oaths as Star Fleet officers and act in the best interests of the Federation as dictated by the Federation Council and the respective member worlds. If this treaty leads to the war ending sooner, it will be a welcome thing in my eyes…I have seen far too much bloodshed already.

Computer, please end recording and save log entry for later playback.

[End Recording and Save]

Stardate 20906.01

First Officer’s Log - SUPPLEMENTAL Stardate 20906.01 Cdr Kenneth Fitchel, First Officer - USS Pulsar

We have arrived in orbit around Ecurai. Ambassador O’Hallihan, accompanied by a Security detail consisting of Lieutenant Phenux, Ensign Smith and Petty Officer Abbott, will be traveling to the surface via shuttlecraft. Piloting the shuttlecraft will be Midshipman Burrowes, one of our newest Tactical officers and fresh out of the Academy.

Even though I have the utmost confidence in Lieutenant Phenux’ abilities as a Security officer, I have chosen to exercise my prerogative as First Officer and lead the Away Team in order to add an experienced hand to the proceedings. I do not expect much in the way of trouble and am looking forward to watching a master diplomat at work. Hopefully, I can learn a thing or two and improve my command skills in an area where I feel I am weakest…It’s high time I learned to negotiate without a weapon in my hand!

Computer, please end recording and save log entry for later playback.

[End Recording and Save]

Lt. Commander Jaden Hawk

Stardate 20904.20

Stardate 20904.20 Chief Medical Officer’s Personal Log Dr. Jaden Hawk, USS Pulsar

[Begin recording,

Once again, I find myself assigned to another ship. Most of the Dauntless crew including myself have been transferred to the USS Pulsar. My presence is required in Ten Forward in one hour for a flag transfer ceremony.

The Pulsar, a battleship is the biggest ship I’ve ever been on. Though an older ship, it has been completely refitted. Sickbay and the labs are state of the art. Since the ships company is much larger, so will be the medical staff, increasing my administrative responsibilities no doubt.

Like my previous transfers, this comes as a surprise and on short notice. I didn’t even find out through official channels. Completely by accident, I found out from a Midshipman. So much for official channels.

We will soon be departing for a mission that currently is classified, which sounds all too familiar if you ask me, I only hope since we now have a battleship, that we’ll see action on the frontlines.

Most of my things have been transferred from the Dauntless. My new quarters are spacious enough, but I’ve yet had time to fully explore my new home. No doubt, I will have that opportunity in the next few days.

This in another new chapter in my career, however, it seems lately, I’ve started several new chapters. I just hope there’s a happy ending somewhere down the road.

End Recording]

Stardate 20905.15

Stardate 20905.15 Chief Medical Officer’s Personal Log Dr. Jaden Hawk, USS Pulsar

[Begin recording,

Our secret destination has finally been revealed and we are en route to the DRR planet Ecurai, escorted by four of their warbirds.

Along the way, we picked up noted Federation Council member and Ambassador Sidic O'Hallihan. He is to conduct the final negotiations in a treaty and alliance with the DRR.

We’ve been told that this treaty and alliance will help end the war with the Romulan Empire and will benefit the Federation. But I have my doubts. The DRR are still Romulan, no matter if they wish to be independent of the Empire. And I don’t believe Romulan’s can be trusted. Just because a snake sheds his skin, doesn’t mean he isn’t a snake any more.

The Romulans have caused numerous wars that cost countless lives, including my parents. They believe their race is superior and others inferior. They wish to subjugate all who are not Romulan. I can’t see how the DRR would be any different.

I think that they are just using the Federation to get this alliance which will help them gain their full independence from the Empire. Then, I believe they will eventually turn on us.

Despite my own personal feelings, I can not allow them to interfere with my duties and responsibilities as a doctor or Star Fleet Officer. Sometimes you just have to play the cards you're dealt and hope the next hand is better.

End recording.]

Stardate 20909.09

Stardate 20909.09 Chief Medical Officer’s Personal Log Dr. Jaden Hawk, USS Pulsar

[Begin recording,

Our mission to Ecurai to formally recognize the DRR and sign a formal treaty has been successful, thanks to the diplomatic skills of Admiral Wueste. But has come at a high price, bought and paid for with blood, theirs and ours.

Ambassador O'Hallihan nearly lost his life when his party was attacked and his throat cut from ear to ear. He also suffered a brain aneurysm. By luck, or perhaps a miracle, we were able to save him, though I initially thought he wouldn’t make it but he did and should make a full recovery.

The worst injuries suffered however, were those of Commander Fitchel. He sustained third degree burns over ninety percent of his body. He will survive but the next few months will be painful for him both physically and I fear emotionally as he recovers. He faces extensive dermal regeneration treatments and perhaps cosmetic surgery.

As of now, the investigation into the destroyed DRR Warbird continues. A search is now underway for a suspect or suspects into the sabotaging of that vessel; considering all those who were against this treaty, there is no telling who all is involved.

I don’t know what the short or long term implications of this treaty will be, I just know it came at a very high cost. I hope one day that I can look back and say that it was worth it. Only history can render that verdict.

End recording.]

Stardate 20910.01

Stardate 20910.01 Chief Medical Officer’s Personal Log Dr. Jaden Hawk, USS Pulsar

[Begin recording,

We are now on our way home from Ecurai and word was received that the war is finally over. As with most wars, many lives were lost. And for what? Territory? Power? Glory? Regardless of the Romulans intentions for starting this war, the Federation paid dearly to preserve freedom and restore peace.

It seems that Star Fleet has sought fit to promote me once again; Admiral Wueste presented me with my new rank of Lieutenant Commander. While I feel a certain sense of pride and achievement, I have an emptiness that I can’t explain.

Admiral Wueste is having a formal reception for the crew tomorrow in 10 Forward, I would prefer to skip it, but as a Senior Officer I'm obligated to attend. I should be very happy, the war is over and I’ve been promoted, but I’m so tired, and my thoughts linger on those who should still be alive, but aren’t. I think wars are worse for those who survive them.

Hopefully, I will be able to get some time away once we get back to Star Base Alpha. I would like to go home, see my grandparents, eat some good ole home cooking and ride Belle around the ranch. I think the time away from here will do me good.

End recording]

Lt. Commander Zor Kayzon

Stardate 20904.21

Stardate 20904.21 Chief Engineer’s Personal Log LCdr Zor Kayzon, USS Pulsar

[Begin recording,

Leave was something of a rollercoaster ride. It began with the news that mom had gone missing when the New Texas colony on Luna had apparently been wiped out or removed from the surface, well something. The news reports never seemed to be clear on the cause or who was behind it. All that was made clear was that she was missing and presumed dead. So I spent a few days going to her wake and getting her affairs in order.

All of this only to find out, just before leaving the family cabin on Earth, that somehow the colony had been returned as if nothing happened and mom was alive and well. I couldn’t have been happier to see her. I stopped by Luna on the way back to Alpha and got to spend a couple of days with her. It was a very happy reunion to say the least. It made me appreciate her that much more. Note to self, I should work on better communication with her when deployed.

In between all of that drama was the time spent with Kamble at the cabin. It turned out to be a great opportunity for us to get to know one another better. I thought I might have ruined any hope though by telling her that I was in love with her only after a short time there. But by the end things seemed to straighten themselves out and I hope that Kamble has come to at least consider me a good friend if not more.

Another positive of the trip was we did some climbing. It was fun and terrifying at the same time. I nearly fell, which caused me to freeze up, but Kamble got me moving again. I think a few more times might actually be therapeutic for my fear of heights. If not then I will probably end up spending a lot of time in the new counselor’s office.

The last curve was leaving the Dauntless and getting reassigned to the Pulsar. The Dauntless was and will remain a fine ship. She is the only ship I have known since leaving the Academy. As I understand, she is in for a refit and will launch at some point with a new crew. I wish her and all of them well.

As for the Pulsar, I know little of her except the lore and history. She looks like they did a fine job on the refit, but I am reserving judgment until I get a chance to see engineering and her systems up close. I have every confidence though that she will perform beyond expectations. It ought to be interesting.

End Recording]

Lt. Kamble Ross

Stardate 20906.18

Stardate 20906.18 Personal Log Lt Kamble Ross, USS Pulsar

[Begin recording,

I've been having the same nightmare since I was kid. Five or maybe six. It's something I've never told anybody, and I don't know why I'm saying it out loud now, putting it on record. That will just solidify it, make it real.

On the other hand, maybe that's what I need to do. Unravel my brain. Put the darkness out there, if not into the light, at least into the open.

I'm standing at one end of enclosed darkness. It might be a tunnel, it might be a room, but all I have is the sense of fear, of danger, of death. There's a coppery smell in the air: when I wake up, I figure that it's blood.

There's screaming, and a familiar voice calling my name, over and over. Pleading with me to help them, to save them, please, Kamble, please, begging, as if I were their last hope of survival. Because, I realize in a panicked falsh of dream-logic, that's exactly what I am. They reach out their hand, and I try to move towards them, but I can't. My feet won't move. I reach out my hand,straining desperately to reach them, and they look at me, with sorrow and anguish, before disappearing into darkness. I wake up crying.

The nightmare has evolved as I have grown. It has become more gruesome, filled with bloody little details, and the emotion has become much more real. When I was little, my parents were on the other end of the darkness, it was Sophie when I was in pre-med. While stationed on the Dauntless, and now on the Pulsar, it tends to be one of my friends. Sometimes, the nightmare reverses, and I'm the one on the other end of the darkness, reaching out in vain to someone who can't help me.

Mostly though, I dream about Matthew.

Grief is normal. It is a reaction to pain, a normal reaction. One doesn't ever fully recover from the death of someone one loves. They just learn to cope.

I don't think this is coping.

What am I saying? Why am I recording this rambling monster of a log? Why do I feel the need to say of all of this now, after so many years of not acknowledging it to anyone, least of all to myself?

What I'm saying is, six years is far too long to let grief control my life, and yet I still do. It's not a conscious decision. At this point, the withdrawal, the avoidance of commitment, the utter terror at the thought of losing someone else is a part of who I am. Learned behavior.

The nightmare has become a lot more frequent. There are nights that I don't go to sleep, because I'm afraid of waking up with screams echoing in my ears. I've also been thinking a lot about Matthew, to an unhealthy point. To the point where sometimes I can here his voice, or see his eyes looking back at me. And I'm afraid.

I'm afraid it won't be long now before the strain makes me break.

End recording]

Lt. JG Jack Burrowes

Stardate 20904.29

Stardate 20904.29 Personal Log Midshipman Jack Burrowes

[Begin recording.

I think it's safe to say I've surpassed pretty much everyone's expectations by getting my commission on the Pulsar. Any midshipman would kill for a place on any flagship - let alone a flagship as mighty and famous as the Pulsar.

My first week or so here has been a little harder than I thought it would be. I assumed that amongst 8500 crewmembers I'd find a nice large group of people that could enjoy themselves outside of their uniform - Alas, I was wrong. People here eat drink and sleep Star Fleet service, it's like they've never had fun in their lives! There are pockets of hope however. The medical department seem to be good fun, particularly the nurses...

I met my first Cardassian at the flag ceremony, Gilora Rejal. I hadn't realised that our enemies could be so... lovely. Still, she opted for my less than amiable Alpha shift partner rather than enjoy what I have to offer. Still, maybe she'll change her mind, it did seem like Marco had a little headstart with her.

In other news, I am enjoying my post here. It could be worse, could be much better. Our current destination is classified - so much so that the helm is locked which means my job has consisted of sitting and looking pretty. A job well done, naturally. I am started to grow wearing of sitting around though, I hope that I get the opportunity to relieve some of this built up energy soon.

End recording.]

Stardate 20908.28

[Ensign Jack Burrowes Personal Log, Stardate 20908.28

Begin Recording.

I don't really know what to say. What can I say? The war was real. Despite coming back from that away mission barely in one piece to find that it had all been for nothing I can safely say that war is not glamorous, there's no adventure or glory, only sacrifice.

And now it's over.

I spent the better part of 2 days down in that cesspool, being cut open, people being brutally murdered inches in front of me and was almost buried alive in that god-forsaken planet's core and for what!? To be pulled out in just the nick of time to come back to find that the war is over and oh, I got a promotion for my troubles. Well done Jacky boy, the prize for being tortured and helpless to prevent the atrocities happening inches from your face is a full pip! Congratulations Ensign!]

(The sound of a chair being kicked across a room can be heard over the recording.)

[Maybe I shouldn't be reacting like this. After all, everyone's still going to be expecting me to bounce on to the bridge tomorrow morning as if nothing happen. That's our Jacky boy, happy as Larry all day long. These people are clueless. How could anyone be the same after this. People change.

End recording.]

Ensign Thomas Cellawe

Stardate 20909.03

Stardate 20909.03 Personal Log. Midshipman Thomas Cellawe, USS Pulsar.

Today was my first away mission in a live fire situation. In other words, it was not in a holodeck and people were in danger. It was up to me as a security officer to protect these people to the best of my abilities.

We were on the surface of Ecurai to sign a treaty with some Romulans, the whole mission had already been mired with many complications, so we beamed down on to the planet surface fully something to happen. Throughout the mission I had something itching away in my stomach, there were just things not right about proceedings, from the security officers and their weapons, to the room where negotiations would take place.

Whilst the room appeared clear, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was going to take place, and that it did. Upon the signing of the treaty, we came under heavy fire from an unknown assailant secreted inside a gargoyle. Without going into details, Lt [JG] Jack David lost his life saving the Admiral's life, and in all likelihood, mine. I shall be forever grateful for that.

I am a lot happier with the situation than I was before. When I arrived in sickbay back on board the Pulsar, I looked around and saw everyone injured, but somehow I was fine. I was disgusted with myself for getting out of there with a few bruises, while some people were in a critical state.

However, I had an epiphany whilst in the sickbay. Yes, we lost good men, and yes, we had many injured, but this is what we do. We are officers in Star Fleet, and we take on situations like these, and relish in doing so. Jack David's death shall brand me till I die, he was my first death, and I shall wear it around my neck like an amulet. No one will see it, but I shall always feel its weight.

It will remind me that I am a security officer, and keeping this ship secure is my role on board. I shall do this to the best of my ability, and if I die doing so, well, then it's a job well done.

[End recording]

Midshipman Alys Griffin

Stardate 20907.03

[Start record]

I joined the Pulsar, which has to be ginormous - even for a battle cruiser - at Star Base alpha. I wasn't the only graduate to come aboard though. Mid Pendragon who I saw in the Cafeteria is here, too.

I just wanted to record my first impressions - so I don't forget, really. IT is busy! Everyone has a place to go, and move as if they should have been there before they were ordered to report!

The Pulsar is on a crucial mission, and there appears to be some problems with the away mission. There are a lot of stressed out people around. [I'd hate to be an empath picking up all the stuff around here.]

My quarters are comfortable and neat. I've been able to make it my space, with the limitations of a crew cabin on a deep space mission. However, I have holovids of the Fitzroy Falls, Dad & Mum, and Centralia rotating through a frame. Fortunately clothing is easy, as most of the time I'm in uniform unless in 10 Forward or perhaps a holodeck.

It is so busy! As if everyone is on an adrenalin high.

[End record]

Stardate 20907.09

[Start Record]

Well, I watched lots of data this week. I guess that is part of the job. Nothing much to comment on. Two people enjoying themselves on the pool deck, but that was all that stood out."

I am slowly adjusting to shipboard life. I can find my way to several places now without checking with the Computer for direction. It is so busy! Non-stop a gogo.

The Commander is on the planet negotiating, and the medics are striving to save both the ambassador and a crew member... The ship is on alert as something is going on in space that is just 'off'. Like when you see something from the corner of your eye, but lose it if you focus. That kind of awareness.

I am still working on getting my quarters to reflect me. No amazing new changes - slow and steady. The important things, family holograms etc are safely installed.

I completed the Counsellor's PEQ eval today. THAT was fun - not. I always get my knickers in a knot worrying about what I said and how it could be twisted. But, that's me..."

I am missing home. I'd love to go for a walk in the bush, hear the birds, smell the gum trees and perhaps have some real billy tea, damper and cocky's joy. The replicator system can't do it justice! I'd give just about anything to lie on my bed and have a warm snuggily cat purring sweet nothings in my ear.

Anyway, life is good on the Pulsar. Slowly I learn more and more, at a pace I can cope with. I am so glad I had time to get settled after Star Base Alpha before I had my first duty rotation!

Note to self: Call up Chrissy and see what gives. Haven't heard from her for a while.

Stardate 20907.27

I find visiting the Counsellor challenging and comfortable. Lt Ander is compassionate and rather than telling me what to do, he tends to offer suggestions for me to pick from.

It was nice that he understood my angst about Chrissy. I guess I knew that being married would change things, but I am in a state of flux, too, and I guess I wanted something to remain familiar and constant. I have sent a message, had a reply already, and we have agreed to talk regularly but less frequently - giving her more 'married life time' and still keeping our friendship growing.

I have been researching baseball and soccer as possible team sports to develop among the crew. I've even tried a programme of exercise in the holodeck - BOY, have I a lot to learn.

I have heard from the Olds. They are well, busy (so what's new!), and currently planting a new lucerne field with Hunter River, to see if that works well for cattle feed and hay. They accessed some old seed stores - it was developed in the 21st Century.

It's time to go for my evening walk. I try to walk around the deck - a different one each time for both the exercise and to learn my way about the Pulsar - apart from the normal places I go to like the bridge, 10 Fwd, the Pool (I'm up to 55 laps already), or, the Holodecks. The other thing I have noticed, is that if you greet people with a smile - even if they are strangers - they automatically smile back! I even got a reaction from a Vulcan!

Stardate 20909.25

"Computer, start recording., please." "This sports thing is getting out of hand! I have cut the time to my shift very finely the last few days. It isn't so much that I am late, as NEARLY late. I am finding the challenge of learning a sport I would normally avoid, just that, a challenge. Like nothing I have ever tried before.

I am normally bumble footed at sport, unless it is a bush walk or trek - where I can set the pace, so this is all new territory for me. I am enjoying it - bruises and all. I hope I don't have to call on sick bay's resources - that would be embarrassing, most scrapes I can treat myself with a lump of ice or a hot shower.

It is most unusual, but between the training and the organising I am enjoying myself and have energy to burn. I overcame my reticence and spoke to some of the newer members of crew at a shift change over. Maybe I will fit in after all.

My great fear - not fitting in or making friends with any one. Must talk to the counsellor about that some time. Until the football started to come together I had not realised how afraid I am of failing and not fitting in ... Hmm."

"Computer, end log."