Losing Someone You Love - 21104.01

By Maverick Kenmore

In memory of Caroline Morrison. Someone special to me that I lost recently who I still miss. The events are being kept true mostly but they have been adapted to fit the story.

Maverick sat down at his seat in ten forward where he was facing the stars that flashed passed and let his mind wander. He had been pre-occupied all day about something that was bothering him. Every year, on this particular day he would feel this way and couldn't help but think about his past. About one thing in particular. Something many people shouldn't have to deal with, yet it is inevitable. He picked up his drink and took a large sip to calm himself and collect his memories about what has made this day so hard.

Three years ago was where it all began. I was in my first year of Starfleet. I was brimming with excitement at the concept of one day being able to serve on a starship. I had worked so hard to get to that point I barely had a social life. I had a friend Leon who was at the academy with me and my girlfriend Michelle who I had been going out with for two years. She was studying to become a elementary school teacher. It was her dream to be able to teach children and give them what they needed to begin their lives as well prepared as possible. She was caring that way. She was very creative. Creating song lyrics to the music I would play on the guitar. It didn't have to be anything special what I was playing, nor was it planned. Just the spirit of the moment she would just create something from what I would play.

She had been sick a few months before I had met her. She had some illness that caused her to get a new liver to replace her failing one. The doctors couldn't tell what was the cause of the failure but she seemed to be okay when I first met her. She was so beautiful and shy. A friend who was her friend introduced us to each other. I was the nerdy type and she had a "cooler" personality than I did. Or that’s what I felt when we would talk. I would talk about my dreams of joining Starfleet, TV shows from the early 21st that I enjoyed that she didn't, although I managed to convince her to watch some with me and change her mind. I was proud of that seeing how she was so strong opinionated and changing her mind was no easy feat. For the two years we were going out we enjoyed each others company and just relished in the comfort of each others personalities.

When we wrote music together it was beautiful. She seemed to know what the music was trying to say and put it into words. She never liked to sing and it was always me singing and playing the guitar. She was very stubborn about it and no matter how hard I tried to convince her to sing with me, she wasn't going to entertain me. I still couldn't help but smile at her shyness. Being with her made me feel not so alone. Finding someone so like minded it was a rarity that I never thought I would find in a woman.

I would help her with mathematics, That was her Achilles heel. Sitting there trying to explain it she was being stubborn again refusing to entertain the idea of trying. I couldn't help but laugh that her personality was noticeable in almost everything she did. She didn't know when to give up. She kept moving forward through anything that stood in her way. I loved that quality about her, being able to stand up to any problems and deal with them. I never would have believed that anything would get her down. Never. Well that was until a year and a half later.

I had begun my third year of Starfleet. I was working hard and so was she. We made time to see each other every weekend. It was the only time we could spend together. Well one Sunday at that time she was complaining of stomach pains and not feeling well. I shook it off as being just something not too serious so I did the occasional thing here and there like get food and drinks. Those simple things. The next morning she complained that she was not well enough to go to her course that day.

I got on the communicay to her course head to explain that she wasn't well enough to go in. She understood and left me to looking after her. I called into my lecturers that day and explained I couldn't make it in, and that I was looking after my girlfriend. They also understood the situation and let me get back to seeing how she was. She had been in bed all day occasionally calling me through to get her things. It didn't seem too serious but because of her earlier condition I decided to check up about it. The medical advice I got from the database gave me the impression that she just had the flu so I decided to just keep an eye on her.

Later on that night she was calling out for me. She had gotten worse. Worse enough that I had to take her to the bathroom and she wasn't speaking right. I had gotten worried so I called in a Doctor to take a look at her. About 5 minutes later a doctor beamed into my flat. I took him to see her and to answer any questions they may of had for me. I answered what they asked of me and decided she needed to be taken to hospital. At that moment I was scarred. I was shocked at that I never noticed before it got that bad that something might have been off. I tried to reassure her but when we got to the hospital and I saw her lying there barely seeming conscious. I couldn't help but shed tears of worry and regret, I should have noticed something earlier. I could have caught it if I wasn't so sure that a database was sure about what was wrong with her.

I found out she had suffered from a severe infection that resembled meningitis. It had effected her brain and she couldn't do much whilst she was suffering from it. They gave her what antibiotics they could and waited for an improvement. I came in as often as I could to make sure she was okay. The infection was removed eventually but she didn't have much use of her limbs and voice so communication with her was restricted to yes or no questions. Still I talked to her as well to let her know what was going on and to try and cheer her up. A couple of months later she was improving.

She had been moved to a therapy hospital where she was working on trying to walk and talk. She managed to get her movement to increase but the thing I will remember most is when she first spoke. She called out to me saying "Mave". I couldn't help but cry a little from the happiness I felt at her accomplishment and the joy of hearing her speak again. Unfortunately things took a turn for the worse.

The disease that had caused her to loose her original liver was back and that caused her condition to decline and get her moved back into hospital. Her condition was that they needed to find a balance between treating the disease and treating the infection. Still I tried to persevere onwards. Eventually it had been 4 months since she had gone into hospital and it was taking its toll on me. I needed to get away and get myself back on track. So I stopped seeing her. It was too difficult to see her any more and I was hoping she would get better and when she got better we could try again. Probably the biggest mistakes of my life.

A month later I got a communication from the hospital. It was explaining that she had gotten worse and that she only had a few weeks left. I was shocked. I didn't know what to believe. It hadn't hit me at that point. I simply knew I was going to see her the next day. The medical staff explained that she wasn't getting the news till tomorrow. I knew I couldn't go in the same day she would find out. That would be too painful for her and me. I decided I would see her the day. Getting another communicay the day she found out. It was from a social department personnel. She told me that Michelle wanted to see me. I explained I was coming up to see her the next day and that's about as much as was said. I felt a sense of happiness. That me going to see her to help her or simply be there, it was what she wanted.

Sadly life has some cruel tricks it plays on people. When I was getting ready to go and see her I got a communicay from her Mother. It was explaining that she passed away the night before. I sat there for 15 minutes thinking about what I had just been told. I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it. I called up the hospital asking about it and they just confirmed what I had been told. I couldn't stand the build up of knowing what was going to happen and it happening so soon as well as the night before I was going to see her. I hid my face in my hand and just let out the built up sadness, depression and guilt of missing her and lost myself in hatred for myself and other.

Leon bothered me a few days later. He found out about the funeral and was making sure I knew about it. I knew I wasn't looking forward to burying a 20 year old woman who barely lived their live. Especially who wouldn't be able to spend it with me any more and the gnawing guilt I felt for letting her down. Leon explained to me. She wanted to see me, she obviously cared about me even after being away for so long. He continued to explain that I had been there every week for 5 months and that I was ready to be there for her when she needed me. That it was enough for her and should be enough for me. I didn't truly feel free of guilt until a few day later of wallowing in my own self-hatred and pain, her uncle called me.

He was a reverend of the church and wanted to talk to me about her. Get a good idea on what she did or was like for the past two years. I talked to him about it and it reminded me of the good times we had shared. Happy with what I had told we agreed on seeing each other at the funeral. We got to the funeral a week after she had passed away. I listened to the words he felt about his niece but I couldn't help but feel something when he talked about how she got herself a boyfriend who tried hard. I picked up the dirt and scattered it on her grave. But before I left I had to drop a flower on top of her.

I thought about those past 6 months. How she declined so much yet she fought against what had happened to her and was getting somewhere. I couldn't help but respect and yearn for such a personality trait. She was a lot stronger than me in so many ways. To be able have gone through what she did I have no idea how I would have dealt with it. Maybe it was because I was there, maybe she just wanted out of the hospital. Probably both, but she had been a fighter all her life and I couldn't help but hate the idea of their being a “higher power” that could allow such pain to happen. Even so I still like to think she can hear me. As crazy as that sound, I just speak aloud what I would say to her and hope she can hear me.

Shaking his head from his day dream about why he hated this day. This was the anniversary of his girlfriends death. He hated to think that she just passed away a year ago. But Maverick promised to keep a hold of the necklace that he got her for their anniversary. He bought two necklaces that were a pair. He thought it was sweet and symbolic in a romantic sort of way. Mave held it in his hands and closed his eyes and drifted back to all the good times he had with her when she was still alive.