A Story - 20801.01

Midshipman Phoenix Carter walked onto the Enterprise‟s Holodeck sometime during the four weeks before its mission on Dhar‟hyyk. This was the first break he had since training began. He was tired of running training simulations, not only for himself, but for the rest of the crew. An interesting holonovel would serve to distract him.

“Computer. What mystery holonovels do you have?”

The computer beeped in recognition, then stated, “Please specify genre.”

“Okay. Um…How about spy novels? Sometime during the 1900s.”

The computer whistled, and the grid faded into a plush, 21st century office waiting room. At a desk sat a lovely, middle aged woman with brown hair. She was busy typing at a computer but took the time to look at him.

In a slightly British accent, she said, “Ah, Agent Darby. You‟ve arrived just in the nick of time, almost fashionably late as it were. The Director has been expecting you. Go on inside, and do try to be mature with him today. He‟s not in the mood for your shenanigans.” This was the first time Phoenix had run this program, so he improvised.

“He never is, I‟m afraid. Besides, Ms. Corningstone, you never liked me serious.”

Phoenix gave the secretary a flirtatious wink and walked through the office door. He caught the scent of mahogany as he strode to the Director‟s desk. The seal of the CIA was emblazoned on it. The Director glowered at him over the American flag pen holder. He must have been really late this time, because the Director‟s breathing made the flag blow in all directions. The Director was never this ticked before, at least towards him. Phoenix almost winced at the sight, yet he somehow felt this was to be expected. He walked up to the Director and waited for further instructions.

After a moment, the Director‟s visage loosened and a sly smile started to take over his face. He then bursted into hysterical laughter. Phoenix had no idea what was going on. This had never happened before.

“Ha ha ha! You should have seen your face as you walked through the door. Deery me, you looked like you were going to wet yourself. Come now, you know I‟d never be upset with you. You‟re my best agent after, all.”

Phoenix waited for the Director to calm down. After he gasped a few times, the director motioned for him to sit down.

“Well, sir. I appreciate the comment, but I wouldn‟t say I‟m the best…”

“Of course you are. You always were the modest one. Though, you‟re the longest living agent in this division. Now, let‟s get to your next assignment.”

The Director handed Phoenix a case file. Phoenix flipped through the contents as the Director started the briefing.

“Agent Darby, we have reason to believe a Russian KGB officer has US government secrets in a Swiss bank account. More specifically, in the main Bank of Zurch branch. Coincidentally, he has died and we happen to have his safe deposit box key and combination. Also, by coincidence of course, you happen to be the spitting image of the KGB officer. So, we‟re sending you to retrieve the dossiers.

Oh, crap. I don’t know Russian. Now, I have to pretend to be one. I should have picked a different holonovel. Strike that, I should have picked a beach somewhere on an exotic planet. Oh, well. I’ll just have the computer fix that for me when I get there.

“Inside your file are the password, passports, other forms of identification, and a ticket to Zurich. Ms. Corningstone has the key. Oh, and Z wants to see you. Good luck.”

Phoenix stood up and shook the Director‟s hand. He was about to leave, when suddenly the Director said,

“One more thing. The Russians and the Chinese are both trying to get their hands on the documents, so don‟t expect things to be easy for you. After all, that‟s why I‟m sending my best agent.”

“They never are, sir. I see, I‟m the best because I‟m the only still alive.”

Phoenix stepped out of the lavish office into the secretary‟s waiting room. Corningstone returned his wink and rummaged through her desk drawer. She pulled out a small box and a note.

“You will find the bank key inside the box, along with the account information.”

Phoenix looked at the note and frowned. It seemed to be a list of odd-sounding names.

Great, is this who I should expect to come across on my way to the bank?

“What‟s on the note?”

“Oh, just a list of all the chocolates I want you pick up for me while you‟re in Switzerland. You don‟t mind, do you?”

“Of course not. I‟ll mail them right away.”

“You‟re an angel, when you‟re not impersonating the Russian secret police.”

They smiled at each other and Phoenix walked out of the office into the hall.

“Computer, fast forward to Z‟s lab.”

The scene changed to what looked like a mad scientist‟s playground. Random looking equipment lined the walls. Computers and blinking lights were strewn everywhere. Tables were filled with all sorts of gizmos and gadgets. All that was missing was a lab table with a creature on it.

Oh wait, I see the table over there. No creature, though. Maybe the villagers will stop by later with torches and pitchforks.

“You‟re here, and not a moment too soon.”

Phoenix looked around wildly. The voice seemed to come from nowhere in particular. Finally, a goofy looking old man with heavily magnified glasses peeked up from behind a wall of cables. The old man stumbled around to him and stuck him something.

“OW! What did you do to me?”

At first, Phoenix thought it was one of those old gag items. Something called a joybuzzer. This buzzer, however, packed more of a sting than a buzz.

“Subcutaneous transmitter. We‟ll be able to follow you anywhere in the world. Nifty, huh?”

Phoenix was so glad that modern medicine used hyposprays instead of the old hypodermic needles. Hyposprays didn‟t leave a nasty red mark after application.

“Yeah…right.” Phoenix rubbed his hand tenderly. He kept a closer eye on the batty tech specialist. “What else do you have for me, Z? And please, no more injections.”

Z rummaged around his laboratory for what seemed like forever. Phoenix tapped his foot impatiently. Suddenly, Z came back with a cart full of high-tech toys.

Where did he get a cart? I have enough trouble walking around here. OOOhhh, what’s in the case? Looks shiny!

The science officer‟s, ahem, secret agent‟s attention was peaked by the biggest case. He was about to open it, when Z slapped his wrist. Expecting another injection, Phoenix immediately pulled his hand back. He checked his hand for new marks.

“Always save the best for last,” Z said with mock annoyance. This man is crazy! “First, we start with your watch. It‟s the Swiss Army knife of timepieces. It comes with cufflinks. Odd, I know, but you‟ll see why in a moment. The cufflinks are actually tiny video cameras that transmit to the watch. Pull the winding pin two clicks out to view the mages. „Adjusting‟ the time will switch between the two cufflinks. On the other hand, pushing the winding pin in closer to the watch causes the face to turn into a cutting saw.”

Z handed him the watch. As Phoenix put it on and admired its look, Z moved on to the next case.

“Here we have a biometric click-pen. Anyone other than you who tries to use when get a shock strong enough to knock them unconscious. Could come in handy someday.”

Phoenix put the pen in his shirt pocket. “Alright, Z. What‟s in case number three?”

“You‟ll get a kick out of this one. It‟s a ….”

As much as he wanted to stay and figure out what the third item was, Phoenix knew he had to speed things along. He wanted to get some sleep before his next shift on the bridge.

“Computer, fast forward to the Bank of Zurich.”

The chaotic lab turned into an organized stone building. Above the doorway was a family crest with a lion and a sword. “Service with Secuity” was emblazoned just under it. Phoenix walked inside and passed through the metal detectors. A tall, thin walked up to him from behind a desk. He said something in Swiss.

“I‟m sorry, but I have no idea what you‟re saying.”

“Ah, of course. You must be American,” said the banker in fluent English, though with a tint of an accent. “How may I help you?”

Phoenix forgot he was supposed to be the Russian KGB officer, but he couldn‟t switch accents now. Good thing he wasn‟t actually a CIA agent, not to mention the Director‟s best agent. Must be why all the other agents didn‟t last long.

“Um, I would like to make a withdrawal. A dear friend has left something to me. It quite sentimental.”

There you go again, Phoenix. Blabbing away, again. You really need to stick with your day job.

“But, of course. Right this way, sir. By the way, do you have the key for your dear friend‟s account?”

“Key? Oh, yes. It‟s right here.”

Phoenix fumbled around in his jacket pocket and found the bank key. He showed it to the teller, but did not give it to the man.

The teller nodded and showed Phoenix into a stately waiting room with a pedestal. The teller looked at him and figured this must be the American‟s first time to the bank.

“Just place your key in here and enter the account number. Your deposit box will arrive shortly. The viewing areas to the side are yours to use. If you need anything, I will be back in the main lobby.”

“Thank you, that will be all for now.” When the man had left, Phoenix inserted the key into the pedestal and began entering the account number.

“We meet again, Darby. It has been far too long.” A voice with a Russian accent came out of one of the viewing areas. “Too bad you did not check for any SPYing eyes. Hopefully, you will not make that mistake again.”

With a dull thud, Phoenix fell to the ground and blacked out. He woke up sometime later in the closed viewing room. He was tied up in the corner of the room. A gag was placed over his mouth and one eye had swollen shut. A throbbing pain came from both his head and his stomach. He also felt a trickle of blood coming from his head.

Come on! I have to report for duty. Oh no, how long have I been out?

“Comp…, end pro….”

Nothing happened. That‟s probably because the gag prevented Secret Agent Phoenix Darby from speaking clear enough for the computer to understand him. He had to the get the gag off somehow. But how?

Finally, a man walked into his vision. From the looks of it, he was KGB. Most likely a friend of the officer Phoenix was supposed to be imitating.

“You don‟t look so well, my friend. In fact, I‟ve seen you on better days. I bet you‟re wondering why I attacked you. If you got the dossiers, you would have been able to walk away normally. Where would I be, then? No, I had to get the papers myself. I knew you wouldn‟t get them for me, so I have to get the rest of the number from you. Now, what is it?!”

This guy is crazier than the mad scientist. There, I only got stung on the wrist. This guy beat me. Now he wants a number I didn’t memorize in the first place.

What’s he doing now? Hey, don’t touch me. No means no!

The Russian reached into Phoenix‟s shirt pocket and fumbled for the biometric pen.

Yes, I know what I can do now.

Phoenix tried to stop him. This was just to distract the Russian from his real goal: cut the bonds around his wrists with the watch. They lightly struggled for a moment. Finally, Phoenix turned on the saw and cut the bonds around his wrists. He couldn‟t reveal himself just yet, though. He needed the Russian to fall into his trap.

The Russian finally got the pen and got a piece of bank stationary from the viewing table.

“I‟m going to remove the gag now. I will ask only once: what is the account number?”

The Russian untied the gag, never noticing Phoenix‟s hands were now free.

Come on!

Click. The Russian depressed the button on the pen. He instantly writhed on the floor from the electric current flowing through his body. Phoenix quickly spat out the gag and shouted

“COMPUTER, END PROGRAM!”

“Acknowledged.”

The Bank of Zurich viewing room shimmered back into the normal holodeck grid. Phoenix‟s fine Italian suit had turned back into a Star Fleet uniform. A little blood was on it, but no damage otherwise. Phoenix, on the other hand, was still curled up on the floor with all the injuries he sustained from the Russian KGB officer.

“Ugggh. Next time, I remember to turn on the safeties. Computer, activate Emergency Medical Hologram.”

“What seems to be the nature of the emergency?”

A Star Fleet medical officer materialized in front of him. It looked very much like the one on Voyager. He turned to look at the downed science officer.

“Never mind, I can see for myself. Let me check the extent of the injuries.”

The EMH spent the next few minutes poking and prodding every sore spot Phoenix had. A few times, Phoenix swatted the hologram‟s tricorder away.

“Hold still. This will be over in a minute. You have no fractures, from what I can tell. You should be lucky none of your injuries were serious. Check in with Commander Wong in Sickbay. Put some ice on your eye and get a dermal regeneration treatment. And next time, for God‟s sake, put on the safeties!”

“You know what‟s best, Doc. Thank you. Maybe you should join me on my next mission.”

“You‟re welcome. If you were talking about a spy holonovel, I much prefer the classical tragedies. Besides, I have no time for such foolishness.”

Before the EMH could say another word, Phoenix blurted, “Computer, end Emergency Medical Hologram program.”

With that, Phoenix was all alone on the holodeck. He held one hand over his swollen eye and the other over his bleeding forehead. Slowly, he made his way out the holodeck and towards Sickbay.

That’s the last time I play that holonovel, or anything spy related. I’ll go with something less dramatic next time. The beach sounds really good right about now. No crazy Russians there who want to beat me to a pulp.